With the Humongous Melonheads mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, I had one game left in my efforts to break Backyard Baseball 2003. Usually, when a team has nothing to play for on the last day of the season, they play the fastest game possible, pack their bags up and get home.
That wasn’t my plan. I wanted to put these kids through hell one last time.
I don’t have a ton of memories from playing t-ball, as it was over 15 years ago. I remember it being extremely windy, I remember that our shirts had a logo on them that resembled Pigpen from the Peanuts cartoons, and I remember Miles.
Miles was one of my teammates. I remember nothing about him except for one on-field event that lives on to this day. He was chasing a runner from third base to home plate, and he tagged the runner. Then he tagged the runner again. And again. And again. “Throw the ball, Miles!” they kept yelling. This was t-ball, so even if a kid was technically out, they’d let them run the bases. The coaches wanted Miles to throw the ball to the catcher. Instead, he threw the ball straight at the runner and drilled him in the back.
I don’t think the kid was hurt. The ball was really soft. But that didn’t matter. It was an iconic moment that lived on for years.
Why not recreate it on a kids’ computer game?
For our final game of the season, we wouldn’t throw to any bases. The only way to get runners out on the bases was by physically tagging them.
It quickly became evident that in order to pull this off, you needed fast infielders. With the prevalence of weak tappers in front of the plate, it made sense to put Lisa Crocket at catcher instead of the very slow Kimmy Eckman. We faced a Reds team hoping to win the NL Central, and with our gimmick in place, it looked to be an easy road for them. They went quietly in the first inning with two strikeouts and a popout, but a parade of hits in the second that would’ve gone for outs under normal circumstances brought home two runs. The same thing brought home another run in the third, but a defensive shitshow put the Melonheads on the board in the fourth. League stolen base leader Ricky Johnson grabbed an infield hit, swiped second and went on to score on a pair of throwing errors. The Reds failed to add on in the fourth, bringing up the 8, 9 and 1 hitters for your beloved Melonheads in the fifth.
Ashley Webber, who was holding her own on the mound despite the defensive obstacles, got a Crazyball pitch and managed to beat out an infield single. Boom. Power-up. Crazy Bunt. Gretchen Hasselhoff then Crazy Bunted on a Slo-Mo, earning another power-up. Reese Worthington’s Screaming Line Drive on a Spitball scored them both to tie the game and earned ANOTHER power-up. Maria Luna used a Crazy Bunt, and these idiots threw another Slo-Mo. It went for a ground-rule double to score another run, and Maria then trotted home on Ricky’s Screaming Line Drive that came on yet another Slo-Mo. Then Lisa’s Screaming Line Drive on a Spitball put two in scoring position and kept the power-up train rolling. Jocinda Smith’s Screaming Line Drive carried into the alleyway in left for a three-run homer. Seven runs in and still no outs.
But we weren’t done. Billy Jean Blackwood tripled on an Under Grounder, Kimmy Eckman singled her home on another Under Grounder, Ashley used the same power-up to double her in and Gretchen used it to hit one to center for an inside-the-parker with the defense playing in. 11 batters, 11 runs. The Reds’ playoff hopes were reduced to a smoldering crater.
Reese singled again but wouldn’t score. The full inning covered 17 batters, 12 hits (six on power-up pitches), 11 runs and three pitchers. Jennifer Goodfellow hit a two-run shot in the bottom of the inning, but it’s the last time Cincinnati (8-6) would score. Maria hit a three-run homer in the ninth and Lisa singled Ricky in after his 13th and final stolen base.
As for the 27 outs, the defense managed to collect them through 17 strikeouts, six tags, three outs on the fly, and one caught stealing.
Oh, and the final outs? See for yourself.
A season-ending glitch, the perfect conclusion to a massive joke of a season.
WP: Ashley Webber (4-3) LP: Stacy Gordon (3-3)
Some final stats of note:
Billy Jean Blackwood: .254 batting average, .555 OPS, 3 innings pitched, 9.00 ERA, 1.33 WHIP
Lisa Crocket: .233 batting average, .637 OPS, 46 innings pitched, 5-2 pitching record, 1.76 ERA, 0.74 WHIP, 48 strikeouts, 5 walks, team-high 8 errors, 7 stolen bases allowed on 9 attempts
Kimmy Eckman: Team-worst .155 batting average and .397 OPS, 13 stolen bases allowed on 13 attempts
Gretchen Hasselhoff: .179 batting average, team-worst 25 strikeouts, 10 2/3 innings pitched, 13 strikeouts, 2 walks, 3 saves, 0.84 ERA, 1.41 WHIP
Ricky Johnson: .371 batting average, league-best 13 stolen bases, 13 runs scored
Maria Luna: Team-high .375 batting average and .531 slugging percentage, 5 2B, 1 3B, 1 HR
Jocinda Smith: .217 batting average, .500 OPS, 2 innings pitched, 0.00 ERA, 0.50 WHIP
Ashley Webber: .281 batting average, .614 OPS, 13 runs scored, 45 1/3 innings pitched, 4-3 pitching record, 3.77 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 66 strikeouts, 3 walks
Reese Worthington: .277 batting average, .614 OPS, 6.1 innings pitched, 11.37 ERA, 1.90 WHIP
Team: 9-5 record, 73 runs scored, 51 runs allowed, .262 batting average, .342 slugging percentage, .229 batting average allowed, 2.98 ERA, 0.98 WHIP
Considering the lack of power hitting but decent pitching, that’s about what I would expect.
If I had to give a team MVP, I guess it would be between Maria or Lisa. I’m surprised Lisa’s offensive numbers weren’t better, but she did have a couple games where her ratings were lowered as if her powers were sucked away by the Monstars.
So what’s next?
I’m going to give this team another go, but I won’t put them through hell. I’m just going to try to win a championship with what I consider to be the worst roster possible. I’m also going to put together a couple of other challenges by playing with the slowest possible team at Sandy Flats and playing with a team of the nine worst pros in the game, which will be a pretty decent roster but should still be fun because it’s a mix of players who hardly ever get used.
All three of those teams, plus my other Backyard Sports adventures, will all be available on Twitch! Come swing by next time and mess around in the chat. It would be fun to have a bigger audience!
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